36 Weeks and Tired

So we've made it through another day. I spent some of the day contracting. I tried to keep rowan by myself, but had to call my mother in law around 10:00 AM. I was so tired. He woke up at 5:00 AM so that didn't really help. It's really hard to keep after him. I get tired out easily. And then with having some strong contractions on top of it, I feel like I am not worth anything to him. He deserves to be with someone who can give him attention and can fully take care of him. Instead of switching on sesame street so I can lay down!

We are 36 weeks as of today. It's just not as exciting as all the other posts, saying we made it one more week. We defied the odds. We did. The doctor said that we are they're success case. My sister-in-law told me that 85% of patients who have been treated with mag, (we we're in the very beginning, at 24 weeks), usually deliver within a week or two. That was great news. And helped to show our special journey.

I keep getting e-mails and comments on here about how I am so strong in my faith and that if they we're going through it they would not be able to handle it as well as I have been. I have not been handling it well. The last couple of days have been so stressful. I feel I am lacking in faith and just down. I've been letting worry and fear overcome me at some times. I am so afraid that my water will break and I will not know it. And then she'll lose it in the womb and that is bad. I also want to make it to the hospital in enough time to have her there, and not here at home. I am so scared with each contraction that I am dilating more, but because the pain is not too unbearable I do not need to go. There's so much uncertainty. I have known that it's been out of my control and long ago accepted that. But the last couple of days have been trying. I guess it's okay! I feel like I just want this to be over, but yet I feel so guilty for feeling that way too. I mean we're talking about life here, it's not like I am suffering on a cross and bearing the worlds burdens. I was given life and many other things. Like my wonderful husband and a beautiful son, and another shot at carrying our little miracle to full term. Yet I complain. How conceeded.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning at 8:45. I will be checked again. I guess to see if I have made anymore progress. I am not quite sure at this moment how I feel about it. Everyone keeps saying it'll be soon, it'll be soon. So I don't know if I want to be progressing or not. Honestly, I just want to cry out..."I want this to be over!"

I am so sorry if I sound like a child throwing a temper tantrum. Please excuse my immaturity coming out.